When Plastic Surgery Attacks: Celebs Under the Knife One Too Many Times

Why do we even care about celebrities and their misadventures in plastic surgery? After all, it's their faces -- if they feel the need to set up the scaffolds and lay out the tarps for whatever vainglorious renovations they feel they need, it ought to remain their prerogative. The thing is, these folks do turn around and subsequently offer themselves up for our approval every time they launch a new movie, record, or product of some kind.

Perhaps we should be flattered that these wishing-they-were-still-glamorous old goats would go to this much trouble just to keep us interested. And so are waiting for the next reality show: "When Plastic Surgery Attacks..."

Joan Rivers - For someone who has made a career out of ridiculing the attitudes, inadequacies, and addictions of her peers, Joan Rivers currently lives in what can only be described as a remarkably see-through structure. When examining various pictures of her over the years, she looks more like Michael Jackson than any previous versions of herself. The sad reality is that the woman is probably even harder on herself than the press is. Her own quote was, “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.” Truer words have never been spoken.


Kenny Rogers - What the hell happened to this man? He was “The Gambler,” for goodness sake -- a verifiable, genuine country music legend. If ever there was a style of music that ought to welcome a rough and tumble, weathered sort of look, it's Nashville's finest. But good old Kenny disappeared for a time only to resurface with a face that seems to be held in place by massive alligator clips affixed to the back of his head. Maybe he spent too much time in the kitchen gazing longingly at some smoothly supple chicken breasts because these days Kenny Rogers sports a face with skin tighter (and browner) than the one-time signature offering at his long-gone Roasters restaurants.


Cher - The best part of “Sonny and…,” Cher is a bona-fide force of nature. A tough and seemingly no-nonsense survivor when it comes to the exhibitionist world of modern fame, the 62-year-old appears to indulge in plastic surgery without any irony whatsoever. Like an artist forever tweaking a portrait, Cher has spent years ensuring the face she puts forward each day is the most up-to-date version available for distribution. With a net worth somewhere north of several hundred million dollars, she has more than enough flow to ensure that a new and improved Cher gets unveiled every couple years or so.


Mickey Rourke - Without a doubt, Mickey Rourke is a piece of work. The guy has somehow assembled a career out of being moody, frustrating, and somewhat difficult. He was so hard to take on set that he eventually drifted back into boxing where he then had his head beaten in a bit more. Unwilling (or unable) to quit, Mickey finds himself back in the public eye showing off his new movie The Wrestler, which has already won critical acclaim. It could be a real feel-good comeback story if pictures of the guy didn't make him look like The Joker. His eyes are pulled up and bizarrely back while his face is so stretched and distorted he appears to have had a permanent, slightly-wicked grin installed. It's such a shocking departure from the image we remember that it makes you wonder what Mickey would have looked like had he been able to grow old naturally.


Bruce Jenner - How does one go from respected Olympic athlete to pop-cultural punch-line in just over three decades? To be fair, Jenner started the ball rolling by agreeing to appear on the moronically stupid “Keeping up with Kardashians.” That would have been bad enough if the viewer didn't have to actually observe close-ups of Bruce and his frighteningly taut visage. It appears Jenner put his head in the shop and had them remove absolutely every extra piece of skin from his shoulder blades up. Once clear, the cosmetic “artists” seem to have draped a sort of flesh-toned naugahyde over the poor man's head before gluing and stapling it down as insanely tight as they could. Could Jenner really have looked that bad before this horrific procedure? Doubtful.


Pamela Anderson - Once upon a time she was a fresh-faced young lass from the frozen Canadian North. In less than 20 years, she has managed to become a shining example of absolutely everything a good parent fears could happen to their daughter: Nude model, Hefner pinup, rock-star groupie, serial breast enhancer/reducer, sex-tape star, Hepatitis C carrier, multiple spouse, and plastic surgery poster girl. How much actual “Pammy” still remains from the girl she once was is open for debate, but it would seem the cause most in need of attention is not her favorite (PETA), but a new one -- PETP -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Pammy. She should become a charter member... fast.


Meg Ryan - To be a woman in Hollywood is a curse no one should ever have to endure. If you're lucky enough to become popular you will be forever expected to maintain your film-established-thus-historically-locked image forever. One can only assume this is the case when it comes to Meg Ryan. Once the go-to girl for bubbly, cute, and charming goofiness, Meg now sports a shiny sheen more in line with a retro department store mannequin than anything remotely human. To see the better half of “Sleepless in Seattle” forced down the path of surgical lifts and Botox is worth shedding at least a tear or two.


Melanie Griffith - When Home Depot renovates to freshen up its storefronts and hopefully improve sales, no one picks on them, but when Antonio Banderas' famous wife does the same she is attacked. To be fair, if the result of Home Depot's work resembled anything like Melanie's face, they might get more than a few justifiable complaints. Again, the shiny veneer look takes over a once soft face that simply dared to age, leaving behind a false façade, frozen into a sort of exaggerated surprise. The former "Working Girl" may have thought she could step back in time, but the results say otherwise.


Farrah Fawcett - Her famous poster adorned boys' bedroom doors nationwide for years making this “Angel” a pin-up star. While the dazed loopiness she has subsequently become known for (thanks to a disastrous David Letterman appearance) seems to have subsided as of late, Farrah's death grip on surgically-provided youthfulness remains. Oddly, she now appears to resemble Lee Majors (circa 2006) more than anything else. And six million dollars might be surprisingly close if one were to tally her cosmetic expenditures to date.



David Hasselhoff - It was sad enough watching the guy sprawl drunkenly on the floor of his Vegas condo trying to eat a cheeseburger, but the level of “freeze frame” going on with “The Hoff's” face is scarier still. His desperate desire to keep his “Michael Knight” look well into his 50s seems strikingly ill-advised. Hasselhoff's mug looks like he found a life-sized Mitch Buchanan Baywatch doll, popped off the plastic head, and had it surgically switched on as his own. As a sort of grim parlor trick, watch his face closely the next time he speaks. You will hear every third word or so come out even though his mouth will never move. Who's got talent now, America?


Priscilla Presley - She was married to The King and even lived at Graceland. She had it all, so why bother teasing the gods for more? As her youth and beauty began to change, Priscilla called in the professionals and the results were stunning, leaving us perplexed. If you were to stand Priscilla 1967 next to Priscilla 2008 you would be hard-pressed to admit they were even related, let alone the same person. While her beloved Scientology offers solutions to most problems, they have yet to install a Hubbard-approved fountain of youth at the Celebrity Center in Los Angeles. We'll keep our fingers crossed on that one.

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