Old Men Who Can Still Kick Your Ass

For guys, the realization that someone can or cannot kick their ass is a powerful one. After all, a fairly significant portion of a man's self-respect is tied to his ability to (at best) kick the ass of other men or (at worst) travel through life without getting his ass kicked by someone else.

Thus it stands to reason that in a youth-obsessed world, there is a belief that once a guy crosses the threshold of 50+ years, his ass-kicking ability decreases. But not for all. There exist among us some that not only seem to retain their ass-kicking abilities as they age but even appear to increase them as well.

Vladimir Putin, 56 - He was a member of the KGB back when it still sent shivers down every American's spine. Add in his two terms as president of Russia during a period that included some of its harshest internal upheavals and this 6th-degree judo black belt has enough ass kicking props to give even the roughest world leader pause. Recent (shirtless) press photos highlighting his muscular physique and others offering up his intense and stone-like gaze over a knocked-out white Siberian tiger mean anyone interested in swishy diplomacy might well take a pass on Russia and head for sunnier climates -- like Iran.


Nolan Ryan, 61 - He was chucking pitches well over 100 miles per hour well past the age of 40 and dispatching most batters unlucky enough to face him. With a lifetime record of more than 5,700 strikeouts, the man who learned how to get in his competitor's faces and strike them out has turned his talents on the business world. He may not be throwing pitches from the mound these days, but anyone competing against a proven winner like Ryan might as well stuff a blanket or two down the back of their pants to soften the ass kicking they are more than likely to receive.


Arnold Schwarzenegger, 61 - You cannot deny the Mr. Olympia titles, the Mr. Universe titles, or even the cartoonishly large physique the man has possessed for most of his adult life. His screen persona was larger than Hollywood itself and he successfully kicked ass on all manner of aliens and baddies alike. Flash forward to present day California where muscleman Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger faces down his Democratic adversaries in a budget veto only to have the whole lot cave in to him and his demands and you have to figure he still tweaks more than a little fear in the collective spines that dare oppose him. I'll be back? Auh-nold never went away.


George Foreman, 59 - He may look all soft and cuddly when he's flogging his grills on TV, but without question, George Foreman can still kick plenty of ass. At the tender age of 45, he managed to knock out a 25-year old professional fighter and become the oldest world heavyweight champion ever. Even then he still found time to have 10 kids and build an empire on the side. Think what you will about Big George Foreman, but odds are that if you cut in front of this guy in the buffet line, you'll still be in for a serious beating, whether the “Grilling One" is an ordained minister or not.


Dick Butkus, 66 - The fact that he still goes by the name "Dick" in a world obsessed with juvenile toilet humor tells you all you need to know about this ex-Chicago Bears lineman. He made over 1,000 tackles in his career and was feared by all on the NFL field of play. Without a doubt there are plenty of reasons to keep that fear alive today. Just recently, Butkus become a spokesman for an anti-steroid group that teaches kids to eat right, train hard, and play with attitude. When you realize that Butkus knocked that many guys on their ass without steroids, you have to figure that he not only has the jam to knock the tar out of anyone dumb enough to cross him but the cojones as well.


Sylvester Stallone, 62 - Any discussion of old-men ass-kicking absolutely must involve the actor who portrayed both Rocky and Rambo, two of the toughest, hardest, and ass-kicking-est tough guys ever imagined. Sure, Stallone is just an actor, but he was the guy running around the Burmese bush at the age of 60 pumped up on HGH and adrenaline as he filmed a millennial sequel to Rambo. His pension checks may be in the mail, but his ass-kicking credentials are intact.


Hulk Hogan, 55 - Everyone learned his name when he played the freakishly humongous “Thunderlips” in Rocky III and things only got crazier from there as he rode the wrestling wave to the insane heights of Hulkamania in the WWE. Times may have changed, but the Hulkster still seems as tough as ever, hosting the all-new "American Gladiators" and subjecting America to his family-centric train wreck of a reality show called "Hogan Knows Best." A bad idea? Maybe, but whether he's pushing 60 or not, would anyone in their right mind suggest as much to the 6'7”, 302-lb. behemoth? Probably not.


"Mean" Joe Greene, 62 - When Coca-Cola picked "Mean" Joe Greene for its famous 1979 ad where the kid offered him a Coke and gets a jersey in return, it wasn't 'cause he was cuddly and sweet. Considered one of the toughest and most intense players the NFL has ever seen, "Mean" Joe Green came by his name quite naturally. Part of the fabled "Steel Curtain" defense of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Green was every bit the ass kicker he remains today. At 6'4" and 270 lbs., you'd have to be some kind of moron to mess with Joe. If he wants your soda, you better give it to him right along with the shirt off your back.


Ted Nugent, 60 - Nugent was certifiably insane back when he was still a young rock star. To see him today is truly a sight to behold. He not only hasn't mellowed but seems even more dangerous than before. Proud to proclaim his love of automatic assault weapons and his God-given right to use them, tough-man Ted makes more than a compelling case for accepting whatever his point of view is without question. The line-up of folks waiting to break into his house is a short one indeed.


Clint Eastwood, 78 - He was Dirty Harry, The Man With No Name, Gunny Highway and even bare-knuckle boxer Philo Beddoe. “Ass Kicker" is a nickname for all of those. Screen legend Clint Eastwood may look like a willow root when he stands in profile but the glare that melted a thousand gunfighters is as rock solid as ever. They say he plays jazz piano and enjoys jogging, but don't let that fool you. When Clint lowers his brow and grits his teeth, there is little doubt he could still arm-wrestle an orangutan and flatten a group of bikers into submission. Ass-kicking, thy name is Eastwood.


Mark Spitz, 58 - A famous Olympian in his own right, Mark Spitz seemed to have made a career out of being an accomplished loudmouth who wasn't afraid of anyone, promising to demolish whomever crossed his path. Age hasn't dented his self-image one bit as he proved recently by stating point blank that he would've likely kicked Michael Phelps' ass had he been swimming. He softened his stance later, but no matter what, the wise swimmer would do well to avoid the locker room whenever Spitz is stomping around it in his Speedo.


Gary Busey, 64 - Admittedly, there is no definitive proof of how muscle-tough Gary Busey is, but the fact that he routinely appears eight kinds of crazy in public ought to make anyone cross the street to avoid him. Gary claims to be one with the universe yet carries on like he could snap at any moment and begin chewing on someone's left hamstring. The smart money knows that kicking ass may just be the most harmless of things a whack-job like Busey could get up to.


Robert Duvall, 77- Does anyone really think he didn't love the smell of napalm in the morning? Not bloody likely, which is why Robert Duvall manages to retain his status as a bona fide ass-kicker well into his 70s. Jack may be willing to attack a car with a golf club, but only Robert Duvall would put a fist between your eyes if he felt you deserved it.



Kurtwood Smith, 65 - You probably don't even know who this guy is… but you should. He's TV-famous for being the dad to Topher Grace on That 70's Show who should be universally famous by now for threatening to kick almost everyone's ass in every single episode. And honestly, of everyone on this list, it is Kurtwood Smith and his scarily genuine angry Dad stare that will be kicking ass for a very, very long time to come.



Neil Young, 63 - Look at pretty much any picture of Neil Young and you'll know all you need to about how freakishly bad-ass the man really is. He owns the meanest set of kick-ass eyes the rock world has ever seen. Mix his don't-give-a-crap attitude with in-your-face politics and there is little doubt that Young would personally wrap a guitar around your neck if you crossed whatever his personal line in the sand might be.



MeatLoaf, 61 - As rockers go Meatloaf Aday always seemed to set the standard of one who suffered for his music. Watching this man on stage is as painful as it gets. He lurches and leans and screams so damn hard that the sweat pouring off him might actually contain blood as well. Add in his imposing size and stone-cold glare and this is one dude you'd have to be insane to piss off in any way whatsoever. The bat flew out of hell because Meatloaf was chasing it.


Billy Bob Thornton, 53 - He usually looks a bit scrawny, yet he still scares the crap out of most folks. Billy Bob Thornton, hands down, possesses one of the most frightening personalities ever captured on film. His pitch-perfect personification of unhinged rage and overt aggression should give anyone second thoughts about crossing him. Add in the fact that he was married to Angelina Jolie in what is now considered her “crazy" phase speaks volumes about the man. Even “Good" Santa wouldn't dare stiff a lunatic like Billy Bob.


Robert DeNiro, 65 - His ability to play scary lunatics ("Taxi Driver," "King of Comedy," "Cape Fear," "The Fan," etc.) may seem like ancient history thanks to a sea of family-friendly comedies, but there remains no better actor working who can channel the psychotic better than Mr. "Bobby" DeNiro. Could it be his New York background coupled with his proud Italian heritage and big-dog attitude that gives him the look and the edge that freaked out a million moviegoers? I'm willing to bet his stare alone can still set your blood running cold whether you're actually talkin' to him, or not.

Read More Articles

Sound Off! Post Your Comments