Dead Pool Losers

When bingo and the slots have finally lost their appeal, some start looking for more, well, exotic forms of gambling. One such example is a “dead pool” and it is one of the more ghoulishly serious gambles going.

Basically, the way it works is that you choose a group of well-known or famous individuals you expect will kick the bucket in the next 12 months. The more people on your list that successfully meet their maker, the bigger you win. So if your morals or ethics are flexible enough to actually compete in such a contest, here are a few names that any successful dead-pooler would do well to avoid at all costs. After all, living or dying is the biggest gamble going and life is far too short to get stuck with a loser in your dead pool.

Regis Philbin -- This zippy little guy is quite simply an ageless dynamo who somehow appears to get younger with each passing year. It's not a stretch to expect that Kelly Ripa will be collecting her old-age pension while Regis is busy breaking in a post-menopausal Dakota Fanning as his next co-host. When you realize what an all-around nice guy that Regis is it lends credence to the idea that he must have met God in some back room at his beloved Notre Dame and offered him a deal he could not refuse. And really, who could ever say no to Regis? Add him to your list if you want, but know that he'll be cashing his checks long before you ever do.




Abe Vigoda -- Playing “Fish” on Barney Miller made him a star, but since then no one has ever been declared dead erroneously as much as this poor actor has. Starting in 1982, and what seems like every other year since, Abe Vigoda has been written off as deceased. It has happened so many times that there is even a Web site dedicated to his health and his “alive or dead” status. Pencil him in on your list if you want, but 87-year-old Vigoda has survived too many death calls to be a lock for anyone until at least 2072.





Jack Kevorkian -- There is a delicious irony to having this individual in any dead pool, but the likelihood of winning thanks to his demise is limited at best. Eighty years old and still kicking, Jack has managed to beat severe illness, prison, and even his own hands-on dedication to assisted suicide. Famously known as Dr. Death, Kevorkian has exhibited such an uncanny knack for survival that it's hard not to figure he made some arrangement somewhere to trade his own longevity for the lives of others. Speculation? Of course, but the results thus far cannot be denied. Avoid Kevorkian, for obvious reasons.




Fidel Castro -- The CIA couldn't kill him so why would old age be any more successful? Fidel may be in poor health these days, but he has survived so many assassination attempts that he's like Wile E. Coyote when it comes to reports of his death. They say that when he dies, Fidel will live on forever in Cuba's heart. Perhaps, but does anyone think the Cuban government would even admit it if he died anyway? Real or imagined, expect Castro to outlive both of Obama's terms in office and Hillary's stint as well.




Hugh Hefner -- It is doubtful anyone knows exactly what goes on in Hugh Hefner's mind, but of all human males on earth, he probably has more incentive to survive than any other. Sporting a new batch of “girlfriends” every few years, Hefner parades around as a living (and kind of breathing) example of happy hedonism gone batty. Will he ever die? Someday, but when you live the kind of life Hef has you better hope you get to hang around as long as you can. Whatever comes next is definitely going to be a let-down one way or another. And if that's not a reason to keep on breathing, then nothing is.




Queen Elizabeth II -- She lives a life of duty and honor, which means there is no way she could ever let her twit of a son Charles ever take the throne. This means the good Queen is reduced to either waiting for Chuck to get hit by a double-decker bus or simply outliving him. When you figure she has ruled England for nearly 60 years, what's another 40 or so more? Betting she'll abandon jolly old England for death any time soon is a sucker bet. Charles has a better chance of falling off Big Ben than she does.




Dick Van Dyke -- Except for the white hair, this man still looks the same as he did “sweeping chimneys” years ago. Van Dyke appears to jump around with the ease of a 25- year-old dancer and still displays a face so unbothered by time that it makes you wonder if he actually has lived at all. Whatever his secret is may be a mystery, but when he's still popping up in blockbusters like Night at the Museum, you can be sure he's a long way from the Old Actor's Home. Add Dick to your dead pool if you must, but learn to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious with your eyes closed. It'll keep you busy while you're losing.





Dick Clark -- Quite simply, Mr. Clark will never die because he has already had himself cloned. I reference Ryan Seacrest as proof positive of this fact. While this would be a technicality in a dead pool, it's still a bad idea to have Dick's name on your list because he simply has no time to die. The Seacrest clone is a future move to ensure Dick Clark's supreme dominance over the next 100 years or so, but until his own machinery finally gives out, Dick will be manning the tiller for years to come. Vote for Clark if you're so inclined ,but expect to watch many, many Rockin' New Year's Eves before you ever cash in on his demise.




Larry King -- To be fair, Larry King may already be dead. The man has interviewed so many people with little more at his disposal than pointed shoulders, suspenders, and a skeletal scowl that when it comes to his job, being alive doesn't really even matter anymore. Along with his admitted lack of preparation, this pretty much ensures Larry will be holding down the mic for many years to come. If that isn't reason enough to leave him off your list, consider this: The man has at least eight ex-wives, meaning he's got a whack of support payments to meet. And any gambler worth his salt knows those women will never, ever let him die. Add Larry King to your dead pool, but only if you want to be the “king” of losing.




Imelda Marcos -- When you can successfully avoid the grim reaper during a coup orchestrated to remove your dictator husband you know you're pretty lucky. When you yourself are known almost exclusively for your displays of decadence in a country riddled with crushing poverty and you still manage to escape the angry mobs, death is not coming for you anytime soon. She may be known for her thousands of shoes but Imelda's resiliency in the face of extremely long odds make her a poor choice for any dead pool. When you can tippy-toe through things like revolutions and assassinations, you're quite simply a dead pool no-no.

Read More Articles

Sound Off! Post Your Comments