In a recent issue of Southeastern PA’s Senior Guidebook, I found an intriguing article called “Taming Your Adult Children” that offered practical, albeit tongue-in-cheek strategies for keeping well-meaning adult children in check.
I’ve seen it firsthand in dealing with my own family. And while I never doubted that my parents, aunts and uncles had my grandfather’s best interests at heart, the approach was often, if you asked me, less than satisfactory. I don’t fault them for trying, and it’s not easy to watch your loved one experience numerous losses without feeling the need to step in and become the parent. In some cases, it may be necessary to do so, but it still must be done in a way that affirms the parent in his/her given role.
Author Kellie Moeller recommends the following to aging parents looking to keep their children from cramping their style:
1. Drive safely and without accidents.
OK, adult children, so we all know that Mom’s vision just isn’t what it used to be, but knocking down the mailbox while backing out of the driveway does not signify that her driving days must come to an end. We all have our share of bad driving moments. Before you take away the keys, consider the track record. If that is the only incident in a few months’ time, chalk it up to sun glare or fogged up lenses. Cut Mom some slack.
Parents, step back and evaluate – and be honest about it, too. You probably hate the thought of losing your license, but if your safety and that of others on the road is compromised when you get behind the wheel, reconsider. Take control of the situation before your adult child takes the reins.
2. Stay chubby and healthy
Dad, little sets off your worried daughter more than dramatic weight loss or a recurring bout of the flu. I’m not suggesting binge eating here, but be sure that your cupboards are stocked and you can get around without falling (as much as you hate it, you might need to purchase that cane or walker).
Worried daughter – check first to see if the weight loss is a result of something other than Dad’s lack of interest in food. It could be a signal for something serious like depression or dementia, but don’t jump to that conclusion immediately. Maybe he doesn’t like to cook for himself. Invite him for dinner once in a while, or drop off a prepared meal for him.
3. Be social
We all know how important it is to stay connected. What a great way for independent parents to keep doting children far away… just stay busy!
4. No overdoses
According to the article, an estimated 30 percent of all hospital admissions are directly related to drug toxicity or adverse drug reactions. While keeping track of the green pill for Mondays, blue pill for evenings, white pill for cramps, and pink pill for lazy afternoons is not always easy (even with those handy little pill holders), this is a serious issue – even the most independent of parents may need the help of their adult children to keep things on track.
5. Balance dependency
Mom, it’s OK if you rely on your son to take you to Bingo every Saturday and your daughter for trips to the grocery store on Tuesdays. Just don’t burn them out: If your needs increase and trips to the grocery store are requested on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, maybe you need to look into other options for transport.
Likewise, children, don’t burn out because you feel obligated. If you’re cooking and cleaning for Dad and it’s turning into a full-time job, maybe he needs to move in, or maybe a call to a cleaning service will do the trick. It’s all about balance on both sides of this equation.
6. No weird purchases
Scammers are everywhere, and they are after consumers of all ages. However, elders are often targeted. Maybe Mom and Dad have always sent away for Publisher’s Clearing House “freebies” – if so, don’t be alarmed unless the knickknacks are rolling in more frequently than usual. Parents, be wise about your purchases. If you’re unsure of a group that is soliciting for donations, ask someone about it before you send large sums of money.
7. Be useful and active
Mom, you’ve worked hard all your life. If you want to watch Judge Judy or Cosby Show reruns, you are more than entitled. However, your darling daughters may check in more often than you’d like if you sit in front of the tube from sunup to sundown. Get out there and volunteer, or if you can’t get out, stay in and volunteer. Moeller writes of a woman who knits baby hats for a local non-profit for unwed mothers… all from the comfort of her own home!
8. Make sure bills are paid
Again, elders are often targeted when it comes to money – they might pay for something they don’t need (see number 6), or they might pay for services (i.e. landscaping, housekeeping, etc.) that were never rendered. Parents, make sure you are paying bills on time, and know what you’re paying for – it’s a surefire way to keep your kids from meddling.
9. Talk about it
Let’s face it, sophisticated parents – the challenges of aging are not easy to bear. Lighten the load! Talk to your kids; keep the lines of communication open. Kids, if you’re worried about Mom’s driving skills or the seeming lack thereof, express your concern directly to her before plotting with your siblings on ways to hide the keys. She’s an adult, she raised you, and she’s been around a few years more than you (maybe even decades more). Respect her role. You might not live under her roof anymore (and maybe you wish she lived under yours so you can help her), but she’s still your Mom.
SFL followers, let’s hear from you: how do you strike a balance between the difficult role of caring for your parents and maintaining their independence? Or, if you’re the parent, how do you tell your children “thanks, but no thanks”?
-Michelle Seitzer