It’s time to fall into autumn with our September 22, 2009 edition of Boomers and Seniors – News You Can Use. The chillier weather makes this season the time of year when you just want to snuggle up and stay inside. But there’s a harvest of opportunities to enjoy, even when it’s brisk out there! Read on for great resources about staying active and informed this fall. And, if it’s inspiration you seek as the days get a bit gloomy, look no further than this recent SeniorsforLiving.com post about Dr. Joseph Kirsner. He just celebrated his 100th birthday in a very unique way. Find out here!

In a recent issue of Southeastern PA’s Senior Guidebook, I found an intriguing article called “Taming Your Adult Children” that offered practical, albeit tongue-in-cheek strategies for keeping well-meaning adult children in check.

I’ve seen it firsthand in dealing with my own family. And while I never doubted that my parents, aunts and uncles had my grandfather’s best interests at heart, the approach was often, if you asked me, less than satisfactory. I don’t fault them for trying, and it’s not easy to watch your loved one experience numerous losses without feeling the need to step in and become the parent. In some cases, it may be necessary to do so, but it still must be done in a way that affirms the parent in his/her given role.

Author Kellie Moeller recommends the following to aging parents looking to keep their children from cramping their style:

1. Drive safely and without accidents.
OK, adult children, so we all know that Mom’s vision just isn’t what it used to be, but knocking down the mailbox while backing out of the driveway does not signify that her driving days must come to an end. We all have our share of bad driving moments. Before you take away the keys, consider the track record. If that is the only incident in a few months’ time, chalk it up to sun glare or fogged up lenses. Cut Mom some slack.

Parents, step back and evaluate – and be honest about it, too. You probably hate the thought of losing your license, but if your safety and that of others on the road is compromised when you get behind the wheel, reconsider. Take control of the situation before your adult child takes the reins.

2. Stay chubby and healthy
Dad, little sets off your worried daughter more than dramatic weight loss or a recurring bout of the flu. I’m not suggesting binge eating here, but be sure that your cupboards are stocked and you can get around without falling (as much as you hate it, you might need to purchase that cane or walker).

Worried daughter – check first to see if the weight loss is a result of something other than Dad’s lack of interest in food. It could be a signal for something serious like depression or dementia, but don’t jump to that conclusion immediately. Maybe he doesn’t like to cook for himself. Invite him for dinner once in a while, or drop off a prepared meal for him.

3. Be social
We all know how important it is to stay connected. What a great way for independent parents to keep doting children far away… just stay busy!

4. No overdoses
According to the article, an estimated 30 percent of all hospital admissions are directly related to drug toxicity or adverse drug reactions. While keeping track of the green pill for Mondays, blue pill for evenings, white pill for cramps, and pink pill for lazy afternoons is not always easy (even with those handy little pill holders), this is a serious issue –  even the most independent of parents may need the help of their adult children to keep things on track.

5. Balance dependency
Mom, it’s OK if you rely on your son to take you to Bingo every Saturday and your daughter for trips to the grocery store on Tuesdays. Just don’t burn them out: If your needs increase and trips to the grocery store are requested on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, maybe you need to look into other options for transport.

Likewise, children, don’t burn out because you feel obligated. If you’re cooking and cleaning for Dad and it’s turning into a full-time job, maybe he needs to move in, or maybe a call to a cleaning service will do the trick. It’s all about balance on both sides of this equation.

6. No weird purchases
Scammers are everywhere, and they are after consumers of all ages. However, elders are often targeted. Maybe Mom and Dad have always sent away for Publisher’s Clearing House “freebies” – if so, don’t be alarmed unless the knickknacks are rolling in more frequently than usual. Parents, be wise about your purchases. If you’re unsure of a group that is soliciting for donations, ask someone about it before you send large sums of money.

7. Be useful and active
Mom, you’ve worked hard all your life. If you want to watch Judge Judy or Cosby Show reruns, you are more than entitled. However, your darling daughters may check in more often than you’d like if you sit in front of the tube from sunup to sundown. Get out there and volunteer, or if you can’t get out, stay in and volunteer. Moeller writes of a woman who knits baby hats for a local non-profit for unwed mothers… all from the comfort of her own home!

8. Make sure bills are paid
Again, elders are often targeted when it comes to money – they might pay for something they don’t need (see number 6), or they might pay for services (i.e. landscaping, housekeeping, etc.) that were never rendered. Parents, make sure you are paying bills on time, and know what you’re paying for – it’s a surefire way to keep your kids from meddling.

9. Talk about it
Let’s face it, sophisticated parents – the challenges of aging are not easy to bear. Lighten the load!  Talk to your kids; keep the lines of communication open. Kids, if you’re worried about Mom’s driving skills or the seeming lack thereof, express your concern directly to her before plotting with your siblings on ways to hide the keys. She’s an adult, she raised you, and she’s been around a few years more than you (maybe even decades more). Respect her role. You might not live under her roof anymore (and maybe you wish she lived under yours so you can help her), but she’s still your Mom.

SFL followers, let’s hear from you: how do you strike a balance between the difficult role of caring for your parents and maintaining their independence? Or, if you’re the parent, how do you tell your children “thanks, but no thanks”?

-Michelle Seitzer

As a member of the Sandwich Generation, I’m all too familiar with the dilemma of having to take care of an aging or ill parent while caring for your own family as well as maintaining a job. When my mother was ill, I missed a great deal of work. While I was fortunate enough to be able to work it out with my employer, many workers aren’t as lucky as I was, and are penalized for work time lost.

A unique program at the Fred Weber Construction Company in Maryland Heights, MO, called Caring Workplace, allows employees to continue working while caring for an elderly relative.

The employer pays $2 a month to the program for each enrolled worker and the benefits are many:

When employees enroll in the program, they get unlimited free counseling — face-to-face, phone or e-mail — and referral services from an elder care specialist. The program also entitles an employee to a 10 percent discount for an in-home assessment and home health care services given to the relative.

While there is no way around senior care being expensive, sometimes part of the battle is knowing where to start and how to obtain services. The search for care and services can further take away from work productivity when you have to do the legwork yourself. The free counseling can be invaluable as the elder care process can really take a lot out of a caregiver. To have that support in the workplace is a very rare gift.

Does your employer offer a caregiver-friendly program? Tell us about it, or share your thoughts for what you’d like to see.

It used to be that our family stories and history were passed down from generation to generation. That was back when we had time to sit down and talk, though. Today, despite the wonders of technology many people regret not having asked their parents and grandparents before them what the family was like and what they did “back in the day”:

I wish I’d interviewed my grandparents and recorded some of their stories before they died. One grandfather worked in the Roosevelt administration and entered Germany with the first Allied troops right after World War II ended. My grandmother graduated from college at a time when few women received more than a high school education. I can still clearly remember the sound of my grandparents’ voices, but I’ve forgotten many of the stories they told me. I wish I’d asked more questions before it was too late.

I’m lucky that I grew up in a time where my mother and my grandmother did tell me stories, but as an only child, I was kind of a captive audience. I’m glad now, though. I try to impart these stories to my kids, but I don’t really know how I’m doing.

The end of summer is a popular time for family reunions with all the generations and a great time to reminisce. When you want to record family stories, there’s “no time like the present”, so how do you get started?

An oral history is simply the systematic collection of people’s experiences told by them, and there’s a few things to do in preparation:

1. Create a list of questions and topics, and give the interviewee an idea of what you’ll be asking to assess if they are comfortable with the topics.
2. Decide what equipment you ‘ll be using (audio only? video?). Though it doesn’t have to be fancy, make sure it works and that you know how to use it beforehand.
3. Start each recording with who, what, where and when you are interviewing.
4. Use a mix of open ended questions to get stories and other questions to elicit facts.
5. Practice ways to elicit more information if an answer needs elaboration (”Tell me more” or, “Could you explain that in more detail?”)
6. Start with less personal or probing questions and move toward more intense questions.
7. Be aware that the interview could be emotional for the interviewee, so be sure to end on a light note so they aren’t left “hanging” with their emotions.
8. Determine how the information will be saved and if it will be distributed. Will it be put on a website? Will the information be transcribed? Who will get copies?

With a little planning, you can use the technology available to us today to create a valuable family treasury and keep the history alive for generations to come.

–Elizabeth Thielke

Joe LaGuardia is chaplain for several retirement homes in Atlanta, Georgia, and author of the blog Caregiver Spirituality.

Becoming a caregiver is one of the most difficult transitions in a person’s life. Often, caregiving occurs when a spouse, child, or parent requires assistance on a daily basis, be it due to illness or special needs. Many people are not prepared to take on the caregiving role, especially since the role is one that is rarely expected. Ultimately, the transition to the role of caregiver inherently means a transition in one’s relationship to the one receiving care.

For instance, if an adult child must care for an aging parent, the child/parent relationship changes. The adult child is forced to do many tasks for the parent that the parent once did for the child. A “role-reversal” ensues. For example, if a husband begins to care for his wife, or vice versa, the relationship shifts from that of mutual care and responsibility to a one-sided burden of care. The caregiver may start to see the care receiver as a “child” for whom to care instead of a husband or wife.

The feeling that many new caregivers experience during this time of transition and role-reversal is that of grief. Grief results from any loss, be it loss due to death or loss as a result from a life-change. Grief comes in different forms: anger, resentment, hostility, depression, change in diet, to name a few. Caregivers feel loss in the relationship because the care receiver can no longer meet certain emotional and physical needs for the caregiver. For instance, in a marriage that turns into a caregiving relationship, there may be a loss of intimacy due to the lack of sexual union between spouses. The care receiver cannot fulfill the physical, emotional, and mental needs of the caregiver through physical acts of love or bonding. There is loss in the relationship, and grief is the natural outcome on the part of the caregiver.

For caregivers of ailing family members, grief is especially pertinent because the caregiver is reminded that the care receiver may be close to death. The loss is one of finality or mortality. Sometimes caregivers grieve the death of a loved one long before the loved one even dies, because the person for whom they care is “no longer the person I knew.” This is especially true when the care receiver has dementia or Alzheimer’s disease and takes on a different personality or temperament.

If you are a caregiver experiencing grief, it is important for you to seek out professional help. A trusted pastor, counselor, or therapist will help you navigate through your own experience of grief. Your goal should be to express your feelings of loss or frustration in a safe and confidential environment and then find avenues of hope and personal fulfillment in the midst of your caregiver responsibilities.

– Joseph LaGuardia

A recent piece posted on U.S. News & World Report.com and aol.com touts the top 10 cities for boomers, based on factors such as area attractions and availability of appealing jobs for retirees seeking work.

The top 10 cities are:

1. Oklahoma City, OK – Tied with Washington, DC, for the lowest jobless rate in the country, this state capital city has much to offer besides gainful employment: a low cost of living and numerous private golf courses form a trifecta for retirees seeking work, reduced expenses, and time on the green.
2. Charleston, WV – Charleston’s healthcare industry has held strong despite the weakening economy, and, at quitting time, residents can take in America’s favorite pastime at the Appalachian Power Park Stadium.
3. Lubbock, TX – The birthplace of Buddy Holly, Lubbock has “a thriving music scene” in addition to university jobs and a wealth of cultural events at Texas Tech University’s auditorium and sculpture garden.
4. State College, PA – Home to the famous “non-retiree” Joe Paterno and his Nittany Lions, State College is a fabulous spot for boomers seeking an active retirement. Residents can take free courses at PSU, enjoy frozen treats at an on-site creamery, and move into the university’s retirement community when the time comes.
5. Bismarck, ND – State capital cities like Bismarck offer many opportunities for employment. The pay may not be much to write home about, but the attractive health care & pension benefits that are hard to find in private companies helps balance it out.
6. Rochester, MN – Rochester’s claim to fame is the Mayo Clinic, which provides superior healthcare, tens of thousands of job opportunities, and attracts 1.5 million visitors a year… translating into numerous service industry job slots.
7. Ithaca, NY - Nestled in the beautiful Finger Lakes region of NY, almost half (43%) of Ithaca’s Cornell University employees are age 50 or older.
8. Huntsville, AL – A variety of jobs in healthcare, government and higher education are on the books in this southern city. For those interested in the final frontier, Huntsville is also home to the Davidson Center for Space Exploration.
9. Bellevue, WA – Over 145 companies – including Expedia, T-Mobile and Microsoft – are based in this metro area with Seattle and Tacoma nearby. Bellevue’s nearly 2,000 acres of parks and various freshwater lakes for boating enthusiasts afford just as much recreation as it does employment opportunities.
10. Charlottesville, VA – featuring the beautiful, historic Monticello and gorgeous fall foliage at Shenadoah National Park, this college town offers over 20 wineries to entice boomers to the South.

I’m not sure whether the current housing market would encourage boomers to sell, relocate and buy. However, the industries in these cities have held strong despite economic turmoil, so when the time is right and the nest is empty, these may be the places to start a new chapter of your life.

- Michelle Seitzer

I have always been fascinated by the principle that your sense of smell (and taste) is most closely linked to memory. Marcel Proust reflected that “the smell and taste of things remain poised a long time, ready to remind us… the immense edifice of memory.”

Many scientists have studied this link, and one of the most memorable stories that I can recall from my days of working in assisted living had to do with this very connection: “Mrs. B” told me that when her husband was dying and could not see or communicate, she doused herself in his favorite perfume and visited his bedside. “I’m here, Bill, I’m here,” she said, and though he could barely hear, she leaned in close so he could smell the perfume he had always loved on her. He breathed in deeply and smiled, knowing exactly who she was; moments later, he died.

How many times can we recall a certain smell taking us way back, sometimes to early childhood days of playing outside in the backyard or visiting grandparents on a farm in the countryside? There are probably times when tasting a certain food or drink has the same effect. I’m sure there is a smorgasbord of stories on this subject to fill many books and blogs.

Amy Goyer, senior vice President for outreach at Grandparents.com, writes about the cookbook her sister created in 1980 to keep certain treasured family recipes on record for future generations. Entitled “Family Magic,” Amy’s sister collected four generations of recipes from aunts, uncles, in-laws, grandparents, siblings and more. Within this compilation, which has become an important piece of family history, the accompanying tradition complements the record of the recipe, giving the complete scope of the family’s cultural heritage.

Goyer stresses the importance of recording these generational recipes, not just for culinary purposes alone, but for the memories of special people and places that are brought to mind every time she breathes in deeply of a freshly baked family delicacy. She shares one of these unique recipes, along with a list of pointers for getting started on the creation of your own family’s heritage cookbook. It will be most certainly labor-intensive, but undoubtedly a worthwhile labor of love.

I am inspired by Goyer’s piece to spend some time in my grandmother’s kitchen, asking her for recipes from many delicious dishes that I’ve enjoyed over years of Christmas Eves and afternoons by Grandpa and Grandma’s pool. I also plan to ask my mother for some of her recipes from numerous holiday breakfasts to tasty dinner meals in my growing up years. I know that just reading the ingredients will likely usher in a host of memories and I welcome the trip.

There’s a Polaroid snapshot that is still on Grandma’s refrigerator, showing the smiling faces of her five oldest grandchildren at work in her kitchen years ago. She always allowed us to experiment, even if it meant that what we produced was not fit for eating. Looking at that photo will always remind me of Moon Cake – what we dubbed the not-so-successful culinary trial due to its crater-like appearance — most likely a result of microwaving the mishmash of ingredients rather than baking it. I am likely to never encounter the smell of Moon Cake, but the photo alone encapsulates the importance of family traditions and pleasant childhood memories –- that often come straight out of Grandma’s kitchen.

- Michelle Seitzer

Currently, approximately 500,000 Americans under the age of 65 have early-onset Alzheimer’s disease or a related dementia. Equally striking is the number of young Americans who are providing care for an afflicted parent: an estimated 250,000 children between the ages of 8 and 18.

“My Name is Lisa” (embedded below) is a short film about a 13 year-old girl dealing with her mother’s Alzheimer’s disease. The poignant piece has won nearly a dozen awards and nominations. Brilliantly acted, it reveals a painful truth about this awful disease which as yet has no cure: even the very young are deeply affected and are often closely involved with their loved one’s care, all the while watching their decline.

At any age, losing a loved one to Alzheimer’s is extremely painful. I am currently grieving the loss of my beloved grandfather, who died on January 21, 2009, from complications of Alzheimer’s. It does not matter how old your loved one is – it’s terrible to lose someone you love. And, with Alzheimer’s disease, you lose your loved one twice: once to the disease, and once to their subsequent death after the disease advances.

But a completely different set of issues and challenges emerge when young children with young parents begin the Alzheimer’s journey.  In many cases, the diagnosis means the loss of a job, and that can be absolutely devastating if that person is the primary breadwinner, who is perhaps in the prime of her career. Imagine the ripple effect: loss of health insurance, loss of income to put towards a college savings fund, loss of that person who dreamed of walking his daughter down the aisle…and the losses continue. Imagine having to explain to your fifteen-year-old friends why your Dad keeps asking the same questions over and over, or why he comes into the room with his clothes on backwards. Imagine being a stay-at-home mom and being forced to find a job when your husband loses his – and seeking for adult and child day care services at the same time. Imagine the woman who has her own law firm but cannot remember that the milk goes in the refrigerator, and not the oven.

And it may not always be a parent’s dementia that a child must confront on a daily basis. Many baby boomers find themselves in the “sandwich generation” – having to care for an aging parent while raising their young children, and many choose to either move in with that needy parent or bring them into their own home. This creates a completely new and challenging dynamic for all parties involved, and no one tells that story better than Julie Winokur of Talking Eyes Media, who shares her family’s deeply personal experiences and struggles in “The Sandwich Generation: Parts 1 & 2 – Life with Herbie.”

So many people are not even aware of the fact that you can get Alzheimer’s at any age: it is not “old-timers” disease as some mistakenly say. It is not senility, or hardening of the arteries; it is a disease that is terminal, although it can linger for many years. It is a disease that robs the individual of his essence, his health and vitality, his ability to make decisions: many diseases ravage the body, but Alzheimer’s ravages the mind and the body simultaneously, though not always in the same proportion.

There are a number of excellent resources for young people who are dealing with Alzheimer’s or a related dementia in their home or family…

The Alzheimer’s Association has a page full of downloadable PDFs and links just for kids and teens. The page also links to information about Camp Building Bridges, a special summer camp getaway for children ages 13-16 who have a parent or grandparent with the disease.

For adults who have just received the diagnosis for either their spouse or parent and now must share the news with their children, an excellent article on Care2.com gives sound advice on dealing with this delicate situation:

A number of children’s books have been written on the subject, including “What’s Happening to Grandpa?” by Maria Shriver, or one of my favorites, “Wilfrid Gordon McDonald Partridge” by Mem Fox. Information on Shriver’s book and other similar stories can be found on the Alzheimer’s Association website or on sites like amazon.com.

Alzheimer’s never minds age. It is a disease that demands attention, awareness, and action: if you know someone at any age who is struggling with some type of cognitive impairment, get help. The Alzheimer’s Association’s Helpline is a toll-free number – 1.800.272.3900 - staffed by live representatives 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Call to be connected with resources in your area. Call if you are 10 years old and concerned about your Mom. Call if you are 60 years old and concerned about your Dad. Don’t try to go it alone at any age.

- Michelle Seitzer

Enlighten – Educate – Empower: that is the motto of NABBW, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women. It is “the only association devoted to addressing issues concerning 38 million of the healthiest, wealthiest, and best educated generation of women to ever hit midlife.”

This active online community boasts a plethora of resources for members and visitors to the site. Health information, family and relationship advice, career guidance – this community has it all for the women who are balancing it all. NABBW describes their members accordingly:

“Our members are courageous, dynamic, optimistic, trustworthy individuals who are committed to empowering you to explore your passions and live life to the fullest.”

Offering teleseminars, book reviews, product discounts, and columns on everything from humor to legal issues, this is a one-stop shop for women who are juggling multiple responsibilities and want to connect with others walking in the same shoes. Learning from each other on how to maximize every second of the limited down time that today’s 50+ woman has, seeking advice on how to leverage that next promotion, or just chatting about the challenges of caring for aging parents can all be done on www.nabbw.com.

Even though I’m not a baby boomer woman, I believe that resources like this one are essential to these unique segments of the population, both to share insights and validate the challenges they face. I imagine there is a comparable tool for women my age, and I wonder what topics our discussions will examine as my generation moves into the future. As the daughter of a baby boomer who had children before a “career” and is now, as always, gracefully balancing motherhood, managing a family business, caring for her aging mother and young grandsons, tirelessly serving her community and church, and being a loving and supportive wife… that is a resume in and of itself (and it’s by no means an exhaustive list)!

My experience as a traditional college student who transitioned right into the professional universe – and has yet to bear children – is worlds apart. And yet, no matter how different our experiences as young women have been, I have a deep admiration and inexpressible gratitude for my mother, who raised all of her five daughters to be independent, confident, and successful in whatever endeavor she pursues – an accomplishment that I cannot yet boast, despite the achievements along my career path.

Check out the National Association of Baby Boomer Women and connect with other fabulous, multitasking, multifaceted women like yourself. And, for our male readers, maybe consider a membership for the phenomenal woman in your life?

- Michelle Seitzer

Being a caregiver is a 24/7 job, whether the care recipient is 2 or 102. And, in some cases, well-meaning family, friends or neighbors may offer to help, which sounds like a good thing, to be sure. But for some overextended caregivers, it’s just one more piece to fit in the puzzle of an already busy schedule.

Many of us had chore charts in our “growing up” years for that very reason: managing a household of any size is a daunting task and is complicated by several factors:

• Are both parents working full time?
• Are there 2 children or 12 children?
• Is it a two-bedroom rancher or a three-story mansion?
• Are there 3 teenage boys or 2 toddler-age girls in the family?

In the case of 3 teenage boys, Mom and Dad will need to stock a lot more groceries than a family with two toddler-age girls. Running a household is a full-time job.

In many of today’s sandwich generation families, adults are juggling multiple responsibilities and need all the help they can get. Lotsa Helping Hands is a wonderful online resource to meet this need. This free service allows caregivers to say yes to all of those well-meaning family, friends and neighbors who offer to help when Grandma breaks a hip, or when your sister-in-law has a C-section and needs help chasing her 3-year-old twins around while she recuperates, or when your neighbor’s father needs someone to visit with his wife who suffers from dementia while he goes to the grocery store. The range of users varies as much as the range of caregiving needs in today’s world.

Site visitors will create a community (essentially their own website), and can invite hundreds of members if needed. The “Care Coordinator” may not always be the person in need of help – it might be a family member seeking to garner support for their loved one in need. User-friendly templates are available and will allow community members to share/sign up for tasks, commit to providing meals or transportation, give updates on the health status of the person in need, or provide words of wisdom or support when in-person contact is not possible.

Maybe you’re thinking of someone who needs a community of support right now, and you’ve wanted to help in some way but wasn’t sure how. Maybe you and your siblings are juggling logistics for getting aging parents to the doctor, grocery store, opthamologist, Bingo, etc. In any event, Lotsa Helping Hands is worth checking out. Asking for help is often the first and hardest step to take, but there is often a community of helping hands just waiting to step up to the plate.

- Michelle Seitzer