This post is by Loren Shook, CEO and co-founder of Silverado Senior Living. He started the company with a belief that people with memory-impairing conditions were capable of greater engagement with the world and with their loved ones; a belief that grew from childhood experiences of working in a family-operated psychiatric care setting. Shook and his founding partner, Stephen Winner, co-authored the award-winning book, “The Silverado Story.”
All of us fortunate enough to grow up with loving fathers, are who we are today thanks to the lessons they have taught us. Whether it was how to fish, ride a bike, or throw a baseball, or the values of hard work, integrity, kindness and strength, what Dad showed us decades ago remains at our core.
As one who works with the memory-impaired, I believe the growing numbers of now-elderly fathers whose memories are disordered are teaching us a new kind of lesson. Understanding this lesson can resolve the anguish many of us so-called “adult children” of those with Alzheimer’s disease are feeling as Dad’s recognition of us and his ability to communicate slips away.
It’s the lesson of selfless love.
Time and again, I hear the same question from sons and daughters: “Why should I visit Dad if he doesn’t know who I am and if he won’t remember I was there?” Written out, it sounds shocking, but when spoken, it’s always tinged with profound sorrow and hurt. It’s understandable. When a father is so much a part of your own being, who are you if he no longer knows you?
My answer is always this: Your father needs you now more than ever, and what he needs from you is simpler than ever, too. Because the greatest pleasure you can give your father now is the gift of your time and your presence. You see, the worst pain suffered by the memory-impaired comes from their sense of loneliness and worthlessness. Just as you may feel that your father’s condition has come between the two of you, he feels increasingly isolated from the world and from the things that have always mattered. It’s no wonder that depression goes hand-in-hand with memory impairment, and sadly, it further aggravates health, both emotionally and physically.
While your dad might no longer realize who you are or greet you by name, it’s more important than ever for you to spend time with him. Just being at his side brings him greater joy than you can likely even imagine. He may not be able to express this pleasure in a way that you understand, or that the world at large comprehends, but without a doubt, he feels it and he feels that he is loved. In this way, you are nourishing his spirit, and the value of this is indescribable.
So I encourage you to take the occasion on Father’s Day to honor your dad in this way. Whether he resides in a senior care community or is receiving care in his own home, visit him and stay by his side for a while. Even if you can’t have the kind of conversation you used to have, there are still ways to make the time together meaningful.


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Jax Hill says,
Thanks for this reminder. Those of us who had good parents and are now faced with losing them to Alzheimers have to remember how selflessly they looked after us and loved us, even when we couldn’t speak or look after ourselves … just because they loved us. Now we can return such a favor.
on 21 June 2011 / 3:51 PM
gail wells says,
My dad passed in January after being in the nursing home for 5 years and previously cared for at home for 6 years. I heard many people in the nursing homes ask those same questions. I have no regrets for all the time I spent with my dad. They will always be treasured memories.
on 21 June 2011 / 4:09 PM
Julie says,
My dad’s dementia has recently excellerated and we know the time left is short. I live an hour and a half away and can’t get there as much as I would like but I treasure every moment. I agree that just holding his hand and stroking his head is important. He may not know me but he does know someone cares for him. Most important I always tell him I love him before I leave. I do it for me as much as for him.
on 21 June 2011 / 4:20 PM
renae webber says,
my mom has dementia,she lives in Florida I live in Maine when I go to visit her in an assisted living home and take her places, out ot eat etc, I have never regretted any of the time I’ve spent with her!!!
I plan on visitng her again real soon!!!
on 21 June 2011 / 4:22 PM
Liggy says,
This is very true. I notice how delighted the other seniors are as well when I pick up my dad from the adult day care center. When I say hi and take the time to chat with them, words can’t describe the kind of joy I see in their eyes when they know that someone is taking the time for them.
on 21 June 2011 / 5:59 PM
Barbara says,
My dad is ornery, defiant and in denial of any of his old age set-backs (He’s 86). He refuses our help or any that we try to provide for him. He believes he is still in charge of us (my siblings and I are 50+) He is going to hurt himself by trying to deal with things he can no longer do. We will expect to find him dead in the yard while mowing the lawn in 100 degree heat nor does he take his meds. What can we do to make him understand he should live his life in comfort and let us take care of him?
Any suggestions or leads as to real help with making him understand?
on 21 June 2011 / 6:37 PM
Pia Danisi says,
The most difficult thing is dealing with the change. The good days and bad days and finding the courage from deep down inside to cope with the pain and the sadness that goes along with caring for a parent who has dementia.
on 21 June 2011 / 6:37 PM
Macon McDavid says,
I believe children should love and interact with their fathers no matter what their cognitive abilities. Although they may eventually not know your name they know who you are and they love you.. Their eyes light up and you can see they remember the warmth of your body, your smell, your smile and the way you hug them. The cognitive destroying diseases take away everything even their eye sight become binocular and they have no periferal vision… Think of their frustration… Just love them, music is soothing to them and believe me they know they love you. Do not miss the opportunity to connect with them…do not look back and say if only… be able to say I did…I loved him, and no matter what he is my dad… he is yours…show him
on 21 June 2011 / 7:03 PM
Lenore Daw says,
I have a mother with dementia, she’s 94 yrs. of age and still living at home. I am thankful for my sister being there everyday 4-5x’s daily to care for her. She does quite well. I was blessed to be able to visit her for 2 weeks in May (I live in Ohio and she’s in MT; I used to live 3 houses up the street from her in 2004-2008 but moved back to Ohio to be close to my grown children and grandchildren) and I call her daily to keep in touch — the 2nd best thing. Even if she can’t contribute much on the phone, she does respond well yet, and I’m so thankful for all she’s done for me; words can’t begin to describe. She’s my Mom and I love her!
on 22 June 2011 / 7:42 AM
robin says,
While I appreciate the author’s perspective, not every person with Alzheimer’s is the same. My father prefers to be alone and it is a battle for him to accept my presence ( or that of other caregivers) who are only there so he can remain in his home of 40 years. He is not glad to see me and does not even want the company of friends whom he still remembers. He wants to watch junk television and play solitaire, period.
on 22 June 2011 / 8:57 AM
Audrey Glenski says,
For BARBARA, after reading your comment, I realized we had the same problem w/my Dad. Most of us(adult children over 50), lived out of town, so we not aware of the drastic changes in him,(or where just in denial). As his appearance became obvious, he was not showering or shaving; changing his clothes or even eating properly. As well as being incontinent with the house smelling like urine. Unfortunately, we were unable to adhere to his wishes of a few yrs ago, which was he wanted to die in his house. My nephew (a nurse) was the only one who made the drastic step to get him to a hospital,(forcefully). He was extremely dehydrated and basically very unhealthy. From there course, the doctors referred him to a nursing home(he was 87 then). He’s been in for about 3 yrs, now and it was heartbreaking for us at first, but he’s getting the care he needs and is healthy. This article really hit home, as lately we haven’t spent alot of time w/him (our own lives seem more important), so now I realize even spending a short amount of time with him more OFTEN, is better than avoiding the situation. WE ARE RESONSIBLE FOR HIS WELLBEING…..not the nursing home! They care for his physical needs,yes, but now I realize it is OUR responsibility to care for his emotional health. I’m so glad my sister sent me this article! It really helped is realize how our Dad still needs us.
on 22 June 2011 / 10:38 AM
Joyce says,
I’m curious as to what evidence there is for this:
“Just being at his side brings him greater joy than you can likely even imagine. He may not be able to express this pleasure in a way that you understand, or that the world at large comprehends, but without a doubt, he feels it and he feels that he is loved. In this way, you are nourishing his spirit, and the value of this is indescribable.”
on 22 June 2011 / 10:40 AM
Silverado Senior says,
Thank you all for the supportive comments and for sharing stories of how this commentary relates to your own lives and loved ones.
Barbara – It is understandable that your father would try to hold onto his independence by continuing the activities he once enjoyed and surely this creates an internal struggle with the thought of losing “control” of his wishes. The best thing to do might be to allow him to remain as independent as possible, but curb his attention toward less arduous activities. For example, does he have a pet? His focus on responsibility could be moved from the yard work to looking after a pup and cleaning up (the yard) after it. The lawn could be left to a landscaping service or better yet, a neighbor/friend that could come regularly to assist with the lawn and then stay for a visit. As for having him accept your help, that may be a little more challenging but the thought of not fully losing his autonomy might open him up to accepting help in small doses.
Also, you can seek advice from our professional Live Chat operators 24/7 at: http://www.silveradosenior.com , they all have extensive professional and personal experience dealing with these very same issues.
Robin – You are absolutely correct, not every person with a memory-impairing disorder is the same and self-isolation is common even in those without memory challenges. However, isolation can lead to depression and other subsequent health issues. To remain true to your father’s wishes to be left alone, but still provide him with a sense of companionship… how about the same thought we shared with Robin -> Get him a pet. We are firm believers in the power of pets as a form of companionship, but also as a way to maintain the feeling of responsibility and thus confidence and self-reliance.
Joyce – Although there have been few quantitative studies about the effects of companionship on those with memory-impairing disorders, our own observations and beliefs about the nature of the human soul and its response to compassion have allowed us to experience this phenomenon first-hand.
Our love-first approach has led to over 3,300 memory-impaired people regaining the power to walk, 2,200+ regaining the ability to eat on their own and an overall decrease of almost one-half of medications across all communities.
This link will show you some of the miracles we have witnessed thanks to our belief that Love is Greater than Fear: http://www.silveradosenior.com/silverado_stories
on 23 June 2011 / 2:22 PM