The recent death of my husband’s grandmother reminded me of an issue that many families have to wrestle with after (and sometimes before) the passing of a senior loved one: what do we do with all their stuff?  Forget what’s in or out of the will – a person’s estate encompasses much more than the house, yacht, or other large possessions. I suspect that the majority of last wills and testaments do not include minute details like “sister Mary gets my favorite cashmere sweater and a set of dish towels” or “cousin Joseph gets my dress slacks and shoes.” But for anyone that has lost a loved one – especially a senior who has accumulated knick-knacks, clothing, dishes and other miscellaneous items for 70, 80, or 90+ years – figuring out what to do with these material possessions is a very difficult task.

Although many of today’s seniors have downsized into a smaller apartment or assisted living unit before their passing, they and their families are still charged with the task of “trash, sell, keep” (ever watch TLC’s Clean Sweep?) both prior to and after their death. This trying task is complicated by a number of factors; deadlines and family dynamics are likely the top two here.

In the case of my husband’s grandmother, the family had a limited amount of time to remove her belongings from the assisted living unit where she lived in order that they would not be charged for another month of rent. In some cases, facilities may have a waiting list and perhaps cannot be as flexible in terms of giving the family some time to sort things out. If the senior is still living and is moving from their home of 60 years to a retirement community, there is still the challenge of time. And besides, it’s likely that even with all the time in the world, downsizing is an enormously daunting task.

Quite possibly, a deadline is helpful in moving that huge process forward… although it adds a layer of stress to be sure, not to mention the fact that in the case of a death, loved ones are still absorbing the shock of the passing and entering the various stages of grief as they are forced to sort through Mother’s belongings. This is not a process for the faint of heart.

And that lovely thing known as family dynamics – the thing which causes brother #1 to argue with sister #4 about who gets Dad’s car… or who threw out Mom’s doilies without asking me first… or why does granddaughter B get the antique dresser?  Many sticky situations ensue, especially if brother #1 and sister #4 have a long history of arguing with each other, or if granddaughter B has long been pegged as the “favorite.” I’m sure many of you have examples of your own and can attest to the extreme tensions that can arise among family members during this time.

So do your homework. Ask your senior loved one what he would like to do with all his “stuff” if there aren’t clear and complete instructions in the will already. Perhaps bring in an impartial third party to help sort things through. Talk to your family members and keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes, clear and honest discussion could prevent these fights from occurring, if families are able to share what they want or don’t want. Find out what seemingly insignificant items may have extraordinary meaning to certain family members before charging ahead with the trash bags. It might not always be the valuable antique desk that the children fight over.

You may want to consider working with a Senior Move Manager to help with the downsizing and relocating process for your loved one. For more information, visit http://www.nasmm.org/.

For a great overview on estate planning, visit http://www.abanet.org/rpte/public/home.html.

SFL followers, can you share any resources for our readers that have been helpful to you?

-Michelle Seitzer