When you think of a caregiver, you probably think of a gentle, nurturing, motherly type, and in fact, studies have shown that the majority of caregivers are middle-aged women who are likely balancing family and work with their caregiving responsibilities. However, a recent New York Times article by John Leland suggests that times are changing:

The Alzheimer’s Association and the National Alliance for Caregiving estimate that men make up nearly 40 percent of family care providers now, up from 19 percent in a 1996 study by the Alzheimer’s Association. About 17 million men are caring for an adult.

Three male caregivers are profiled in the article, which explores the unique challenges and tensions faced by men who take on what has been traditionally been known as women’s work.

Although women still take the lion’s share of the caregiving pie, today’s changing family dynamics mean that more women are working full-time and are less available to provide care. The journey can be difficult on many levels. For one thing, women typically have a more extensive support system of friends and family to ease that loneliness, but men may have a harder time opening up or asking for help.

Besides the lack of a support system, many men wrestle with balancing their career accomplishments and caregiving — being the breadwinner and the breadmaker is difficult to resolve for men, who for generations have relied on their role as provider as the basis for their identity. A 2003 study of three Fortune 500 companies revealed that men were less likely to take advantage of employee-assistance programs geared towards caregivers for fear of losing their jobs or the respect of their colleagues.

Even senior service professionals who take on a family caregiving role find themselves feeling like a fish out of water. For Louis Colbert, director of the office of services for the aging in Delaware County, PA, sharing the caregiving load for a mother stricken with Alzheimer’s was not a smooth transition from his day job. The first time he drove to his mother’s house to assist with her care, he was afraid that he wouldn’t know what to do when he arrived. Now, Mr. Colbert arranges an annual meeting for male caregivers to voice their concerns. The one he hears the most? Men want their new role to be validated by society. They do not want to remain invisible. And thanks to the brave stories shared in the New York Times article by Peter Nicholson, Matt Kassin and Louis Colbert (representing the 17 million male counterparts in the caregiving equation)  will not remain invisible.

If you are a male caregiver, find someone to talk to. Stay connected. Share your story — not for the attention, but for the validation that what you are doing is important, for the comfort that just knowing you’re not alone can bring. Caregiving transcends gender roles — it always has, but now the needs are too great for women to handle alone. We all must work together to care for our aging loved ones – and in doing so, we are preparing the next generation to care for us, too.

- Michelle Seitzer