The holidays can be a difficult time if a loved one has moved into a senior living facility, or if Alzheimer’s or dementia blocks recognition of family members. Adult children who have not been able to visit an aging parent for several months may notice subtle or drastic changes in their parent’s ability to manage living independently. As if the stress of untangling Christmas lights and waiting in retail store lines wasn’t enough, this extra layer of tension also wraps itself around families during the busy holiday season.

There are a number of things to keep in mind if you are in the “Sandwich Generation” and juggling the many responsibilities that come with this phase of life. Holiday visits with senior family members can still be meaningful, enjoyable, and pleasant –- for both the senior and their extended family -– and all should contribute to making it so.

I’m reminded of the well-known anthem from Fiddler on the Roof, “Tradition,” where Tevye, the patriarch and lead character, sings of the sacred role that traditions play in keeping the community together. The same goes for families today. If there is a tradition that has been longstanding in your home, continue practicing it.

One of our favorite holiday traditions came from my grandparents’ home country of Norway. Every Christmas Eve, we would eat ris grod (Norwegian for rice pudding). Before Grandma dished up the tasty treat, she mixed a nut into the serving bowl. If you were lucky enough to receive the nut in your bowl, you were awarded a marzipan pig. After we left my grandparent’s home, my parents would always allow us to open one gift: a new pair of pajamas to wear that night. Both of these traditions are simple and can be practiced anywhere, and although my Grandpa is currently suffering from Alzheimer’s, I am sure we will still eat ris grod on Christmas Eve.

Perhaps your mother is in a nursing home, but she has always left cookies and milk for Santa. If so, bring a plate of cookies and a glass of milk to her room in the facility. Maybe your grandfather just lost his wife of 50 years. Talk with him about how he is feeling; you may want to create a new tradition together if the grief is still overwhelming.

Other tips:

  • A recently posted article on CNN.com offers insights on visiting family members with Alzheimer’s or dementia who may not recognize their loved ones. Regardless of whether or not there is visible recognition, it is absolutely crucial to visit your loved one. In many cases, your loved one may recognize you, but they are unable to recall your name because of the disease’s effects on memory and cognitive function. Perhaps they have lost the ability to speak but are still able to express their emotions non-verbally. Ultimately, it is important to remember that whether or not your loved one recognizes you, they are likely to notice if you are not there. As hard as it may be for you to see them without the ease and closeness you were once accustomed to, your visit will help maintain some sense of normalcy while their own world turns upside down as a result of the disease.

  • Ten practical tips for keeping seniors happy during the holidays include reminiscing, planning ahead, and monitoring medications and alcohol. If a loved one lost a spouse within the year, it is important to be sensitive to the signs of depression and offer support for the family member –- respect their need to grieve the loss while providing many opportunities to connect with those who will lift their spirits.

  • If it’s been awhile since you last visited your great aunt, keep an eye out for the telltale signs of Alzheimer’s or dementia. All too often, the signs and symptoms are present long before a family member (or the afflicted individual) notices or takes the next step towards diagnosis. Memory loss is not the only sign of dementia –- be aware of personality changes, mood swings, or problems with language.

Most important: Keep things simple, straightforward, and special, and cherish the time spent with family regardless of how different things may be. You may end up creating a new tradition that will be enjoyed for years to come.

- Michelle Seitzer